I attended a funeral of a teenager last night.  I’ve had to do that a few times in my life and it’s never easy. But one thing I have noticed is that during funerals like this, people are brought to the reality of life and death and God more than funerals of people who have lived a long life.  Death for the latter is more of a welcomed relief from pain and suffering brought about by the end of life complications.

In either case, not to be cliche, it can show direct evidence that God can take something bad and turn it into something good.  People are brought to think about their own life. No matter the cause of death, we are faced to think whether there are things in our lives that must change. Solomon in Ecclesiastes 7:2 says:

It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of everyone; the living should take this to heart.

I don’t think Solomon really wants us to develop a morbid outlook on life on earth as a way for spiritual growth. But I do think Solomon hits the nail on the head and points to the sad reality that we are often moved to take a step towards God (or away from God) when we are faced with life and death circumstances.  It creates an urgency in us that honestly isn’t there during our busy week of work, school, bills, friends and watching Monday Night Football.  Urgency is the intellectual awareness of something that must change and the awareness that there is little time left to make that change happen. Urgency causes us to make a move now.

American Christians are often too spoiled by having a church on every street corner where they can just find “help” and “hope” when needed.  American Christians are also often too busy to think about something that must change.  Lack of empathy, becoming compassion calloused, and safe-guarding our minds against seeing the lost and hurting can lead to ineffectiveness, lack of purpose, selfishness, and static spiritual growth.  This is perhaps why one pastor believes there are actually very few disciples of Jesus Christ in the world. I’m not about to get down on American Christianity because there are too many amazingly Godly things happening.  Yet, I do worry about American Christianity becoming a reactionary culture or a culture that sees most things as good and prosperous. These ways of living and thinking only covers over an urgent need for a better relationship with God for themselves and for people around them.

We don’t have to wait for death to be urgent. We don’t have to wait for death to change. We just need to be urgent about change before we become closer to spiritual death than we might wish.

I saw on the Today show this morning a story about married couples choosing to live apart from one another for the sake of having a good paying job.  The idea is that one spouse moved to where they could find a job, while the other spouse stayed to take care of the home or remain in the job they still have.  The sole reason of separation is to “survive the recession.”

This issue certainly is not a new one.  Husbands left their families from foreign countries to come to America for a better way of life, paving the way for the rest of the family to join him. This still happens to this day. During the 1800′s, husbands left their families from the East Coast to seek opportunity in the new expanding West Coast and California Gold Rush.  Families make sacrifices from one another for the sake of the future of the family.  There are perhaps thousands of success stories for this kind of adventure.  And there are perhaps just as many for which the family never reunites.

Having financial strains can put a lot of tension on marriages, whether it’s the rich or the poor.  That is for certain.  There are a couple key things to think through when you consider what to do for your marriage during a recession, job loss, or being overworked.

1) Are you more concerned about a lifestyle than your marriage relationship?

Many couples fight over money because they desire to attain a certain level of lifestyle.  They are concerned with having a certain kind of house or car or neighborhood status or being involved in certain activities or being able to provide for whatever they want to “live comfortably.”  The marriage vow of “for better or for worse, for rich or for poor” was a blind and naive statement made in fairy-tale Love Land. In this case, the marriage is a joint means or business partnership to accomplish the goal of prosperity.  If one of the partners can’t contribute, there is the feeling of insignificance or little value.  In the business world, separation for the sake of money is inevitable.  You must ask yourself and each other whether there’s more to being happy in marriage than money.

2) Can your marriage really survive during separation?

Each couple is different. Separation from one another happens all the time, but it’s usually for an 8 to 9 hour interval or for a couple of days, depending on the kind of work one has.  Some couples separate in order to ignite the flame of passion for one another. Some couples separate after marriage issues in order to gain fresh perspective on how they can make their marriage work. Eventually though, everyone understands that there is no substitute for presence and communication and even sex in a marriage.  When these decrease in a marriage due to work, kids, activities, and the desire to reach question 1, they increase outside the marriage.  Make no mistake, while you aren’t communicating with your spouse, your communicating with another person.  Being separated from your spouse can be a very dangerous place to find yourself if you’re not truly prepared. And I would highly encourage newly wed couples to be together a lot.

I like what Paul said to the church at Corinth concerning marriage in 1 Corinthians 7:

2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Sometimes, immorality happens simply because the couple is not together enough. Paul seems to say that the only reason the couple should PERHAPS separate is for personal spiritual communication with God.  And even before that separation happens, there needs to be a joint agreement on how long they are able to make that separation. Don’t be a fool and think that you have more self-control than you really have.  Satan knows what you can take and is ready to tempt you when you reach that point.

Separation might be necessary, but together is better. Together provides the opportunity to fulfill marital duties, and men…that’s more than just getting sex…but it does include that. Make separation a last resort. Agree on that time frame. And schedule times to reunite for real physical presence, communication and sexual relations.

You don’t have to be in the church realm long before you hear about Andy Stanley.  He is a pastor, communicator, author and the founder of North Point Ministries.  North Point Ministries consists of 5 campuses in the Atlanta region, with an attendance of more than 25,000, and has helped plant more than thirty strategic partner churches globally.  He has also written Communicating for a Change, The Next Generation Leader, Visioneering, How Good Is Good Enough, iMarrage, and Choosing to Cheat.

Enemies of the Heart was previously released as It Came From Within.  I personally did not read the previous release, so I am not sure if they differ.  I assume this latest edition includes more years of experience and wisdom.  There’s no doubt that this book stems from the years of experience as a pastor and from counseling hundreds of people. As usual, Andy teaches in a way that does not go over one’s head and makes it sound like common sense.  He uses plenty of examples and illustrations and explanations throughout so that anyone can follow his thought and reasoning.

Enemies of the Heart was almost titled as What Happy People Do To Stay That Way. I like that because at the core of our actions, attitudes, emotions, responses, and thoughts stem our desire to be happy.  Other ways I’ve heard this described is looking at our “idols of the heart.”  We ask ourselves, “What are the things we “worship” because they seemingly bring us happiness or satisfaction?” These longings in our hearts produce our behaviors and emotions and reactions.  These heart issues break relationships and can even destroy our home. At the end of the book, he connects how our kids are learning much more from us as parents than we probably want them to, especially from these enemies of the heart.

‎”…heart issues impact an individual’s ability to initiate and maintain intimate relationships.”

Andy divides all heart issues into 4 main categories: guilt, anger, greed and jealousy. The easy way to remember these is to look at them as someone owing someone something. Guilt is saying “I owe you,” Anger is saying “you owe me,” Greed is saying “I owe myself,” and Jealousy is saying “God owes me.”  Andy really takes the time to explain how these 4 enemies of the heart really do represent our struggles and unhappiness in life. Not only does he shed light on our heart issues, he provides solid biblical direction and offers practical advice to begin breaking these seemingly mysterious life patterns.

I particularly liked in the end how Andy briefly talked about lust.  Many would say that Lust should be on the list because we often get ourselves in trouble when we allow Lust to take control.  But the problem is that Lust is also a good thing when it’s for the good things.  Lust is less about a problem to solve and more about a tension to manage. I like how he explains that Lust can really be traced back to something that first caused guilt, anger, greed or jealousy; and therefore, lust is a reaction or response (a branch) from that enemy residing in the heart (root).

“…lust isn’t a problem to be avoided; it’s an appetite to be managed…lust is actually a good thing within the right relationship. Truth be known, if it wasn’t for lust, you wouldn’t be here.”

Andy does a great job showing the enemies of the heart as well as the biblical solution to these issues.  As having studied counseling and biblical counseling, I find Andy’s assessment, insight and solution to be extremely essential for every counselor, and every Christian for that matter, to read and apply. It will be one that I personally refer to often and will make sure those close to me read it as well. Stop dealing with the symptoms and get to the Enemies of the Heart. A happy, satisfied and fulfilled life awaits.

I received this book free from Multnomah Publishers for this review. However, this review is made up of my own thoughts and opinions.

If you are involved in leadership for Children’s ministry in a church platform, you might have heard of the orange principle or concept.  As far as I know, it’s created by Reggie Joiner and the ReThink Group.  They put out amazing curriculum and our church uses it for all our environments of ages 3 to 10. This orange principle runs through their entire strategy from curriculum, blogs, books and conferences.

The orange principle is combining two influences to create a more vibrant impact.  Orange is made up of both Red and Yellow. Red could represent the love of the parents and Yellow could represent the light of Jesus Christ, aka the church in this illustration.  The idea is that the church only has limited time to influence a child, where a parent will have a lifetime of influence.  Partnering with the parents is to first help all sides accept that responsibility.  Secondly, it is to help the parents to be equipped to do so, such as the church teaching and providing opportunities to practice talking about spiritual things to their children.  It also involves the parents helping the church to find the best way to do so. Being informed on what works and what’s not working is highly helpful. This concept counters the previous generational thought that the church was a place to drop off kids to learn about God and then return them home all equipped. The previous generational strategy has left many leaving the church once they leave the home.

So, I love and embrace this concept and wholeheartedly believe in it. Nothing makes church and religion and Jesus Christ meaningful than a home that also embraces it. However, just a couple of weeks ago, when talking about this concept with some parents, a parent responded, “and it’s also a partnership with the kids.” A partnership with the kids…

I’m really struck by that because that might be the part that gets lost in this orange concept.  Perhaps it’s a no-brainer, a preassumption, a “given,” but as young leaders rise up and lead the next generation, I wonder if that is something that gets pushed back or forgotten. Speaking to parents and guiding adults in their relationship with Jesus has been more up my alley.  I’m usually all about the “education” and “outreach” side of growing with Jesus. And I’ve always been on the short side of the fun for “no reason” side of growing with Jesus. Perhaps in my pursuit of a partnership with parents, I’ve lost touch of the overall mission: to partner with the kids! It sounds so obvious, but I can admit that when you’re so focused on trying to accomplish the one, it’s easy to assume the other is being taken care of.

Don’t forget the Kids!

I remember when my wife and I found out she was pregnant.  We were on a trip from Texas to Arizona, to meet some friends of ours, the Gibsons.  I drove about 90 miles an hour through Texas, New Mexico and Arizona just to shorten the time of car sickness for my lovely wife.

When Father’s Day came that year, my wife was about 6 or 7 weeks pregnant. Our church had the fathers of the congregation stand up so they could acknowledge them.  I stood up. Some wondered and looked at me oddly.  I thought “why am I not a father?” If the church as a whole (and especially this Baptist, Bible-believing, conservative church) believed in a pro-life choice and if the church believes that life within the womb is really a living being, then what’s the difference.

As I’ve heard people explain before, the difference between a baby born and a baby in the womb is merely location, location, location.  And sure we can talk about the things that make a father a father.  Are they the ones who are actually doing the duties of the father? And so is the father of the unborn not a “father” because they have yet to have the opportunity to perform those duties?  Even at that, the husband of that wife or boyfriend of that girl is caring for that baby as they care for the pregnant woman they love.  The nurture and love and care and gentleness and affection that the man will show that pregnant woman is showing that precious baby nurture and love and care and gentleness and affection.  How the mom takes care of herself and what she eats affects the baby. And so likewise, I believe that when mamma’s happy, everyone is happy. And having a loving man by her side through this process, is huge!

So this weekend, for Father’s Day, let us remember and acknowledge those men who are caring and loving their son or daughter even though they are not yet born.  Let us remember and acknowledge those men who have cared for and loved their son or daughter even though they were never born.  I believe it helps strengthen the importance of a husband and that father figure and the importance of a marriage and that holy, sacred bond.  It reinforces those things long before he or she decides to move out on their own, whether that be out of the womb or straight into heaven.

This is a review of the book “First-time Dad: The Stuff You Really Need to Know” by John Fuller.  John is the vice president of Audio and New Media at Focus on the Family and co-host of the daily Focus on the Family broadcast.  He spent nine years co-hosting the program with the founder, Dr. James Dobson.  As a father of six, he writes and speaks about strong marriages and effective parenting. John and his wife, Dena, are also advocates for orphan care and adoption.

First-time Dad is a great book for any person getting ready to be dad.  The book is only 158 pages and is written like a conversation with a seasoned dad, sipping your favorite drink while sitting on the front porch.  At the end of each chapter, he references several books in which he gleaned some of the wisdom.  It’s like getting the best of over 30 books into one.  He really gets to the heart of the issue of being a dad for the first time.  He doesn’t fill up the pages with long drawn out stories and with filler writing.  He gets to the point, tells you what to expect, what to do and things to think about.

He also focuses on what having kids means for the marriage and the change that will take place between the man and wife.  This focus nearly covers half the book!  Basically, you live at home more and have no life outside of caring for this baby.  Although that’s not completely true, freedom and spontaneity doesn’t happen very often.  Your attention changes and your wife’s attention changes.  I often joke that women get married so they can have kids and then once the kid comes along, there’s no need for the husband. All seriousness though, having a child together is a wonderful thing, but life is not going to be the same.  I wished someone talked to me long ago.  Not that I would change what we decided, but I would have been better equipped to be a good first time dad and husband.

He talks about how to help your child find success, how to get in touch with who they are and how to help them develop their spiritual formation.  He talks about the difference between boys and girls’ personalities and ways they respond.  He talks about how parenting a child cannot be done like a formula or even done with the same formula for all children.  Developing a lasting relationship with that child is not going to be easy and it doesn’t have to be scary, but it will take some work. I wished someone talked to me long ago.  Not that I have completely messed it all up, but not all lessons have to be learned the hard way.

When my wife and I decided to have a child after 4 years of marriage, I had no idea what that really meant, other than that’s what married people are suppose to do: have kids.  I also knew that equaled more sex. I was going to graduate school getting my Master of Divinity and I was working 50+ hours a week as a manager at a local supermarket chain.  My wife and I were also involved in our local church’s youth ministry.  In one sense for me, I thought it was just going to be one more thing on my already busy plate. It would be just a slight time management issue and I would be all set.  It was going to be no big deal, right? YEAH RIGHT! No one talked to me about what to expect (outside of the shotgun advice during the “congratulations”).  No one talked to me about how I would have to change my priorities or even how to do that.  No one talked to me about how to be a dad or even a good husband during this whole process.  I wasn’t much around for the first two years and I still completely fumble on what it takes to be a good husband and father.  But while reading this book and now being married for 13 years and having two sons (one adopted) and involved in foster care, I understood a lot about what he was saying.  I just wished someone talked to me long ago like John does in this book.  It’s an encouraging, positive and informative book with a grasp on reality.

“We are given a role to prepare the way- and then to step back and let the future generations make something of our work.  We may not (and probably won’t) see the end product. We cannot control what those who follow us will do, or how they will choose. Yet we strive with everything within us to provide them what they need. We do this, not to serve ourselves, but to serve them. And their children’s children.  Here’s to work that will last a long, long time…”

I received the book for free from Moody Publishers for this review. However, all thoughts and opinions of the book are completely mine.

If you classify your marriage as perfect and growing and no need for improvement than you can skip this post.  If you live in this world and are a human being and you are married, you’re probably in a relationship that always can use some refocusing, growth opportunities and advice. Only teasing, slightly.  I do want you to understand that you’re not alone.  If that was true, then there would be no resources, no books, and no messages to share.  The truth is that there are a lot of resources to choose from and places to go to for help.  Here are some marriage messages and resources that I have personally liked and believe in. Obviously as a believer in Jesus Christ and a pastor, my resources have a strong bible and faith base.

iMarriage messages by Andy Stanley from NorthPoint Ministries,

Man vs. Wife messages by Perry Noble from New Spring Church,

Once Upon a Marriage messages by Craig Groeschel from Lifechurch.tv,

Sweethearts for a Lifetime book by Wayne and Carol Mack,

Love and Respect book and conferences by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and his wife Sarah,

Marriage blog posts by Biblical Counselor, Rick Thomas,

Your church (developing a better relationship best happens inside the context of a growing relationship with God in my opinion and belief for many reasons.  Of course, having a growing relationship with God does not guarantee your spouse is or that your marriage will be restored.  There are many good marriage principles outside of a Christian circle that work and I think that is because they are really found in God’s principles, values, wisdom and character.  Outside of the Christian circle might help your marriage get stronger, but they don’t help (in my observation) one believe that God has or can have any role or function or practicality in real life here and now, which I stand to differ. I believe the chances are exponentially increased when we live according to God’s ways and through His strength.),

And another (preferred experienced) married couple you can just talk and bounce things off with.

Here are a few of mine. You can even search my blog for “marriage” and see what you’ll find.  Any more than that and maybe you’ll spend too much time reading and learning what to do without practicing these things in your marriage? I know that is my tendency. So please read and watch, but then go and do!

What are some other resources that you like and should be shared with others?

Mention love and marriage and you’ll find people who are “gaga” for each other.  I know someone who is getting married this summer, someone else who just got engaged, and someone who just celebrated their 1 yr anniversary.  My wife, the photographer, already has 4 other weddings booked for 2011.  You probably know people in this category. Love is in the air!

Mention love and marriage and you’ll find people who are sick of each other. I know married couples that are struggling, really struggling.  I know married couples that are in the process of divorce.  I know married couples that just live life together wishing they could hit the re-do button.  You probably know people in this category.  In fact, just me writing this makes you wonder whether I’m talking about you.  The truth is you’re not alone and my marriage has been there before too.  Is Love for the birds?

I’ve heard many people say that you have to watch out for the first year, it’s the toughest.  I’ve heard people say it’s the 3-5 year mark this is the toughest, or the 5-7 years, or the 10-11 years, or the 18-20 years, depending on who you talk with. But let us just get it straight. Every day can be a tough day.  Every day, marriages can be pulled apart in a moment.  Ever day, marriages can drift apart one inch further.  It’s the small things in a relationship that crept in on a daily basis and begin to pile up and pile up.  It’s the quick looks, looking somewhere else.  It’s the small irritation that doesn’t get talked about.  It’s the small surrender to being busy.  It’s the small surrender of being passive and not active-aggressive about pursuing love for you and your spouse. It’s the small belief you tell yourself, the myth, of the greener grass on the other side.  Someone once told me that if the grass is greener, it’s for two reasons: 1) it’s over a septic tank or 2) your grass needs water.

So how do you water the grass? I believe it starts with communication.

It’s saying to your spouse, “I know there are a lot of hot people in the world, but our relationship is built on more than attraction.”  It’s saying to your spouse, “I know there are a lot of things I just want to do, but I want to do something with you.”  It’s saying to your spouse, “I know you might not be able to handle the truth here, but I don’t want to hide what I’m thinking and feeling before I buy into the myth that I’m telling myself everyday and it will be seemingly too late.”  It’s saying to your spouse, “You’re hot, lets go out and do something together.”  It’s saying to your spouse, “I care about what you think and feel, let’s talk.”

There’s a lot of things you can say to your spouse as you communicate or the lack thereof.  Does your communication translate as “love is in the air” or as “love is for the birds…so go fly out the window…”?

This past weekend, Marty Holman, our lead pastor, spoke about seeing the church as family.  A group of people caring for one another and bringing others in openly could be a general definition of family in this case.  No matter how you define family in a church culture context, the word family doesn’t equal something that is perfect.  The truth is that there is no such thing as a picture perfect family and therefore no such thing as a picture perfect church.  Every church is full of imperfect people, who vary in their Christian understanding and maturity.  And every family has issues, but everyone is longing to be a part of one.  We have a sense of belonging.  That’s what makes even gangs exist.

The Catholic church has embraced this same idea of church as family in their recent public commercials, asking for “catholics come home.”  Catholics who have left the church or have been away for awhile are like those who haven’t seen family for awhile for one reason or another and the grandmother is calling for a family reunion.

This concept of the church as family is nothing new.  The early church, as seen in the book of Acts and Paul’s epistles, illustrate a close group of believers who care for one another, meet regularly, give  up their possessions, strive to understand the Christian faith and bring new people into the movement on a daily basis.  We call God, the Father.  We, who believe in Christ, have been accepted into His family and are called sons and daughters.  We can refer to each other as brothers and sisters.  Paul also tells us that we should treat older men like fathers, older woman like mothers, younger men like brothers and younger woman like sisters (1 Timothy 5:1-2).  These are multiple examples of Christianity through the theme of family.

Seeing the church as family is what makes church even harder though too.  When there is a dispute, disappointment, division or disagreement, it hurts.  Sometimes, it’s easier to love those outside of your family then your own.  Sometimes it’s easier to think that another family is better and doesn’t have any family issues. Sometimes it’s easier to leave them all and just deal with what you think you can trust: yourself and no body else.  I’ll admit, I’ve thought about going down those roads myself many times.  But I believe, even through times that I don’t see it, that the church as family is pretty awesome because I have experienced and I’ve been called to create it.

When you talk about family, there are some stereotypes that come with it.  Family is blood.  Family is comfort.  Family is awkward. Family is love for someone you wouldn’t even be friends with if they weren’t family.  Anyone can become a part of your family, but not everyone is a part of your family.

So how should we think about the statement, “We are all God’s children” ?  I’m going to throw out a couple thoughts from the Bible and I realize that if you don’t believe in the Bible than you might have issue with what this says.

There is a sense in which we all are a part of God’s family.   Ephesians 3:14-15 says, “For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on the earth is named.”  And Acts 17:28 says, “for in him we live and move about and exist, as even some of your own poets have said, ‘For we too are his offspring.’”  In the sense that God has given life to every living being, we are His offspring.  Every family that is in existence can trace its heritage back to God’s first creation of humanity on earth “in the beginning.”

However, how do you tie in the understanding of John 1:12-13, “But to all who have received him– those who believe in his name– he has given the right to become God’s children – children not born by human parents or by human desire or a husband’s decision, but by God.”  And Ephesians 1:5, “God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.”  How can one be adopted if they are already in the family? How can one become God’s children if they are already one of them?  It would seem that there is something else besides God just giving us life and breathe that makes someone a part of God’s spiritual family.  Anyone can be a part of His family, but maybe not everyone is a part of the His family.

John 3:3-7, 16 “Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, unless you are born again, you cannot see the Kingdom of God.” “What do you mean?” exclaimed Nicodemus. “How can an old man go back into his mother’s womb and be born again?” Jesus replied, “I assure you, no one can enter the Kingdom of God without being born of water and the Spirit. 6 Humans can reproduce only human life, but the Holy Spirit gives birth to spiritual life.  So don’t be surprised when I say, ‘You must be born again.’…For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.” (NLT)