One the main problems against separation in marriage is the complete abandonment each side will feel. Separation and divorce carry huge stigmas and stereotyping. This makes it even harder if there are kids involved.  The dynamic of leaving the house is elevated. Just as divorce is hard to explain to kids, separation is very similar.  Those who separate don’t necessarily do so to cause turmoil for the other spouse or to even “teach them a lesson.” Separation is primarily a last ditch effort to escape a bad situation. The couple that separates hopes, somehow, that this will give them a fresh perspective or at least give time and space for the problem to cool down.

Dan shared some great thoughts about what this time of separation is for and what it is not for. I believe every couple should develop healthy times of separation. Let me describe what I’m talking about.

I’ve always enjoyed the principle that a New Place + New Pace = New Perspective. Jesus frequently withdrew from the crowds to spend time with His disciples. Jesus frequently withdrew from His disciples to spend time with His closest followers. Jesus frequently withdrew from everyone to spend time alone with God the Father. 

Paul in 1 Corinthians 7 describes how married couples are to be united and fulfill their “marital duties” on a regular basis except for selected times of separation for prayer.

Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1Co 7:5 NIV)

Notice how Paul says “by mutual consent and for a time.” Leaving the house during a fight is not this (I would suggest that it’s okay to leave a room to gain self-control, but not to get into a habit of leaving the house during a fight). A healthy separation involves a conversation which comes to agreeable terms for a selected time, a selected purpose, and for reuniting. A healthy separation is not a time to see if the couple loves each other and should come back together. A healthy separation has concern for each other to reunite after the selected time, no matter what. Unity and a focus on God, His Word, and His Work is the utmost importance. Christian marriages especially should be a reflection of that relationship with God. But all of that gets blurred over because we become so busy with “life.” I would encourage you to read what Paul says in the rest of the chapter.

I wonder what would happen if we would really put this principle into practice more. I would have to believe it could protect us from feeling that our only option is to leave the house without a plan, without a purpose, and without a care. Having no plan is a plan for Satan to step in and make his own. His plan is to tempt you to destroy your marriage and your relationship with God. Don’t be stupid to think it’s not true. Reacting to a situation or spending too much time away from your spouse can be dangerous.

Don’t misunderstand me. The separation I’m talking about is preventative maintenance and not repairing something completely broken (that’s how we normally equate “separation”). Create time for nights out and weekend retreats. Make some of those to be with each other. Make some of those times to be alone. Make some of those times to hash out life with trusted friends of the same sex. Make some of those times to be for personal reflection and prayer. Make some of those times for building the marriage relationship. Make some of those times for having fun. And make the focus about getting back together, ready for life, rather than a time to simply withdrawal or “get away” from the problem.

Yesterday Dan shared a brief description of where he was at in his marriage during their separation. During this time, it became evident that reconciliation was desired even though the divorce was filed. What changed their minds? Was it merely by chance or a miracle of God? Well, God was definitely at work here and there are some things that Dan learned along with some warnings and advice for any couple considering a time of separation.

“So we didn’t follow through on the divorce, and after a month of being apart, we kind of knew that we wanted to reconcile. I can’t say that I would advocate couples who are going through a hard time to separate. It seems to have helped us in a few different ways.  Again, I’m not proud at all of my separation. But I can say that I have learned a lot about myself through this:

“1. I learned that there is not another woman in the world that I want to spend my life with other than my wife. That was an eye opening experience for me. I thought that we were too incongruous to have a good marriage, but when it all boiled down to it, I discovered that loving someone means staying with them even when you disagree with them.

“2. I learned how to make distance when the sparks fly. You know that passage about not letting the sun set on your anger? I was the one who, when tension rose, would demand peace before going to bed. (How do you demand peace?) So I would get more and more frustrated when things couldn’t be settled (and sometimes “things settled” meant “get my own way”). We still have disagreements on the phone, but I have learned that often, peace comes by allowing yourself and your spouse to be alone, to remove yourself from the tension, and relax before you impulsively use your tongue to inflict more conflict.

“3. I have a lot more friends now than I did. Back home now [Dan moved completely to another state during this separation], I have some friendships, and I do open up a little bit about what’s going on in my life with a few people. It is good to have the lines of communication open with other guys who can give you some perspective when you are feeling down or angry or frustrated.

“4. I learned God’s nature… weird as it sounds, from all the badness came forth this renewed fervor.  God, for some odd reason, still blessed me. He blessed me with a great job, great new friends, and a bigger picture of who He is. I didn’t deserve any of that, but that’s grace.  A progression based on unlearning. I was extremely black and white in the way I became. Everything is either all good or all bad. Nothing was ever all good, and when things were all bad, I would let loose on myself. I got to the point where I was ready to walk away from the faith, because I knew I couldn’t ‘do it’ right. I made it way too legalistic, and when you’re under all that tension and anxiety, it is easy to lash out.”

What are some warnings or advice for couples considering separation?

“If a couple is leaning towards separation, I would say consider a few things:

“1. Separation isn’t a trial period for dating other people. I both loved and hated my alone time. I loved it because it gave me a chance to breath, to ponder, to explore my heart and my mind again, to remember the things that are wildly important to me that I may have been overlooking. I learned to read a LOT, and relish it deeply. I had amazing conversations with myself. I hated my alone sometimes because I was lonely. But you have to feel loneliness in order to give perspective to the situation. If you fill your time thinking that you could date others, you will miss the awesome chance for delving deep into your emotions. Not only that, the grass is not greener on the other side. You miss the chance to grow and change, instead covering up your past failures and running headlong into potential new failures. Changing mates won’t make you happy.

“2. If you are fighting about finances, separation will only make your finances worse. Don’t separate over money thinking that you will be financially better off for it.

“3. Find people with whom you can talk. You should do this long before your marriage gets bad anyway. If you don’t have people in your life you can be honest with, without fear of judgement (let’s face it, if you think someone is going to judge you for what you say, you won’t say what is really on your mind). So much of the frustration I was holding in could have probably been vented if I had allowed myself to grow close to people… or continued looking for people that I felt I could grow close to.

“4. Spend one day where you battle yourself anytime you think the problems in your life are caused by your spouse. It is FAR to easy to be discontent with your own life, and blame it on someone else. Simply by proximity, you will always blame your spouse. That is exactly where I was. Discontent with my life, and blaming it on my spouse. If makes nothing better, only worse.”

I think Dan’s advice goes a long way. There are things that marriages should put into place before this type of separation comes into play. And we have to be honest with ourselves about what’s really going on in our minds. I have to be willing to accept that the common denominator in my problems might be me. Times of separation help flush those out. I think there are times of “separation” that should happen and can happen in a marriage without ever moving out. That’s what really is helpful and what I want to address next time.

I wanted to start today off in this discussion about separation in marriage with a testimony by a guy that we will name Dan. I want to let him briefly describe his marriage to give us an inside look into what couples, who are considering separation, might be experiencing. Separation in marriage is a serious time in a couple’s journey. I assume that most couples don’t take marriage, divorce, or separation lightly. Here is one man’s story of their goal for separating.

“So, basically my situation is kind of unique in that when I moved out, we had filed for divorce. When I left I was an incredibly angry guy. I mean it didn’t take long to figure out that I was wrong (I knew I was wrong in leaving, but I was such a bear at the time, my wife said she was relieved).

“A part of me wants to give the easy ‘Christian’ answers, because I don’t really want people to know how sucky I was when I left. I mean, for years, my wife and I battled over just about every aspect of our lives. When to have kids, how many kids to have, how to have those kids, where to live, who will work, who won’t work… we were simply never on the same page. Ever. So, I guess the goal for me of separating wasn’t so much to seek reconciliation as much as it was to just get away from a toxic situation. When you’ve had all the arguments you can have, and it just sounds like you’re repeating the same things over and over, it can put you in a rut. I don’t think I realized it at the time just how much of a rut I was in.

“So my intentions in leaving were not noble in any way. They were absolutely selfish. I felt as though I had lost complete control of everything that was going on in my life, and despite the fact that I knew better, I left. I willfully disobeyed God and left. To be honest, at the time, I didn’t really even want to be a Christian anymore. I felt like it wasn’t the life for me. It was too demanding. I was following a set of rules and expectations.

“But regardless of the ugliness of the separation, I can say that I have learned a great deal. Like I mentioned before, I have a lot of accountability now. I had “accountability” before, but I felt like advice I had gotten was canned, the “right Christian answer”… which is important, but can be discouraging at times. Those answers can sometimes leave you feeling like you just have to work harder at it. And then, 3 days later, when you failed again, and people ask how things are going, you don’t want to let them down, so you put on the fake smile and tell some anecdote about how the advice they gave you 3 days before really ‘blessed’ you. The truth is, everyone struggles in marriage. Everyone fights about stupid things, and there isn’t much of anything new under the sun. So don’t be afraid to ask for help when yours is troubled, and don’t be afraid to be honest about it.”

I think Dan’s marriage is like many Christian marriages that struggle. In the sense that Christian marriages often try extra hard to hide behind the goal of looking like a two people loving each other, every minute of the day. Living within this smoke screen eventually chokes us out. Feeling trapped, alone, lost for answers, and unhappy naturally lends itself towards ending the marriage. Some divorce and some separate (whether leaving the house or simply becoming ‘roommates’). The goal of separation is often simply to get away from the situation. To suggest that the goal is reconciliation or restoring joy in the marriage is perhaps a thought lost long ago. I hope this helps describe where a couple may be at in their marriage and better equip you if you are those who want to help them.

Although leaving the house and separating doesn’t always lead towards reconciliation, Dan’s marriage did exactly that. There is hope and healing. I believe there are some things we can think about and have in place during this time of “separation” that will better prepare each other to see reconciliation as an option. We’ll hear more of Dan’s story tomorrow.

There’s no shortage of discussions about marriage in this country, especially in the last decade. There’s also numerous talks, books, and support groups about divorce. Yet, I really haven’t heard much about ‘separation’ in marriage. Even from a biblical viewpoint, there seems to be some clear stances on marriage, divorce, and even re-marriage. But is there something about separation in marriage?

I’d love to begin around some questions and thoughts about separation. I’ll also be sharing some testimonies of people who have actually been separated. They’ll share their stories and what happened through their time of separation. I’d love for you also to share your experiences as well. (If you’d be interested in guest blogging for this series, email me at info@steveblumer.com, you can remain anonymous). First, here are some questions I’d like to consider:

What does one do and not do while being separated?

What is the goal of separation?

What might happen during separation that one should be prepared for?

What are some expectations about boundaries, accountability, communications, telling the kids, length of separation, etc. that the couple should agree upon?

And are there ways we can put the idea of separation into place without actually leaving the house?

Think about these questions and how you would respond. We’ll begin shortly in addressing this issue. I’m praying it will be a source of blessing for you, your marriage, and hopefully for marriages that we really didn’t know needed it.

In the previous posts, I talked about the marriage relationship. I talked more about the philosophy behind the relationship than about some practical applications of “do this” or “don’t do that”. My aim was to properly give you the tools to see yourself in your marriage relationship at the truest form. Long before problems arise in marriages, there are some assumptions, desires, and thoughts about your spouse, your role, and expectations (or myths if we can be honest) of life through this relationship. To get to the heart of the matter, we must ask ourselves “how did I think my way to this point?”

There are several examples in the Old Testament of marriage relationships: some good examples, some not so much. Because I started talking about the connection between God/His people and Jesus/the Church, I wanted to take a look at Hosea. Hosea was a prophet who was warning God’s people to repent of their sins against God or they could expect God’s discipline and judgment to drive them into exile (away from their promised land). To literally illustrate the relationship God was experiencing with His people, God told Hosea to marry a promiscuous woman and have children with her. While most of the book of Hosea is God describing what His people have done against Him and what they can expect in return (not all punishment, there is always a promise for faithfulness to His covenant), there is this correlation between that and Hosea’s marriage.

Hosea’s wife longed to be loved and feel loved by men. Her drive to please people and to be pleased was her pursuit of happiness. She looked for what other people could give her and provide for her.  She was unaware though that during her prostituting Hosea was actually looking out for her, giving her the things she thought the other men where giving her. Hosea eventually spent everything to literally buy her back from prostitution. Hosea didn’t give up on her, somehow allowed her to commit the grievances (which is a curious thought in itself), and still showed unconditional love and forgiveness. That’s not to say there wasn’t pain to work through once Hosea and Gomer were back together. In the end, there was hope, redemption, and even a renaming of their children (Check out the book of Hosea to get the full details).

We need to recognize that our satisfaction, our provision, comes from God. We need to recognize that God alone is faithful to us.  There is potential for all of us to turn our backs to God because our marital desires, wants, expectations for someone or something else to do that.  In a sense, we have, as Eugene Peterson translates it, “replaced their God with their genitals” (Hosea 4:12 MSG). James in the New Testament puts it this way:

1What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?
2 You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God.
3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.
4 You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.
5 Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely? (Jam 4:1-5 NIV)

Marriages can often be started or based upon some faulty thinking about the meaning of marriage, the purpose of marriage, the role of marriage. Marriages can often be started or based upon some faulty assumptions, desires, expectations, and thoughts about the relationship.  Some people marry for money, sanctioned sex, social status, to escape embarrassment of a pre-martial pregnancy, or simple to move a friendship with benefits to a solo commitment. Ultimately, we marry for a reason and we live with desires and wants.

A marriage relationship should be built upon unconditional love, forgiveness, commitment, and companionship. We love one another in recognition of God showing love and grace to humanity. Our marriage helps one another reflect the redeeming power of living in a relationship with God. It certainly helps in forgiving others to know that you too have been forgiven by God. We love because He first loved us. When we pursue our spouse the way God pursues His people, great things are in store. It produces a husband that his wife wants to follow. It produces a wife that her husband gets excited about sharing life with. These types of marriages are the marriages that marriages look up to. This happens when each spouse lives out of a heart like God’s and not like His promiscuous people. What does your heart desire?

This week I’ve been talking about the relationship between a husband and wife. Today we finally get to a piece of contentious debate about the rule, code, or authority between the two. In the midst of an argument or divided solution to a problem, what is a couple to do? Sometimes, the bible gets a bad image about the hierarchy of authority in the home. Verses taken out of historical, cultural, literary and theological context causes some of the problems. Other times, they might be read with assumptions and personal feelings without a desire to truly learn and obey the Scriptures objectively.

22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,
27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church–
30 for we are members of his body.
31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”
32 This is a profound mystery–but I am talking about Christ and the church.
33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Eph 5:22-33 NIV)

There are several verses in the New Testament which say similarly the same thing as the Ephesians passage (Col 3:18-4:1; 1 Peter 3:1-7; Titus 2:1-10).  I’ve chosen the Ephesians passage because it places the husband-wife relationship in correlation with the Jesus-church relationship.  Primarily, it puts the husband as the head of the relationship, while the wife is told to submit (and it would serve us well to read the context before this passage, especially the preceding verse right before).  Although there is much more to this correlation, this part is what gets people feeling uncomfortable. The word submit means to “put under one’s advice or control.” There are several things that must to noted about this statement in this context of husband-wife. There is also so much to this passage and understanding that we just don’t have the space in this post to discover them all.

In no way does submission imply a qualitative difference. Women are not inferior and men are not superior. Woman are not unintelligent and men are intelligent. Woman are not less gifted and men are not well gifted. This description of authority must stand within the context of God redeeming the husband-wife relationship that we talked about in previous posts. God does not call this a monarchy. God does not call this a dictatorship. God does not even call this a democracy. This is not a status level of hierarchy. For even levels of submission are found within the Tri-unity of God the Father, Jesus Christ the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Harold Hoehner says it like this in his commentary on Ephesians:

Though all are equal before God, this does not exclude lines of authority…For example, all citizens of a country are equal but there are also many different ranks in the power structure of the country. It does not mean that those in authority are better citizens of the country than those whom they rule…More importantly, another example of equality and yet subordination is the persons of the Godhead. All three persons of God are qualitatively equal [Matt 28:19; 2 Cor 13:14; Eph 4:4-6; 1 Pet 1:2; cf. also John 13:16; 17:21] yet the Son is subordinate to the Father [Matt 10:40; 26:39, 42; John 8:29, 42; 12:49], the Holy Spirit to the Father [John 14:26; 15:26; 16:13-15], and the Holy Spirit to the Son [John 16:7; cf. 14:26; 15:26]. Thus, subordination does not imply a qualitative difference.

When God created, in Genesis, male and female, Adam and Eve, husband and wife, He created them in “our image” as He says. Not only is humanity to be a reflection of God in their personal actions, attitudes, desires, etc., but our relationships between one another should reflect that Divine relationship as well. That’s why Paul also talks about the relationship between child-parent and slave-master.  Relationships are to reflect a loving and yet sensible order.  Paul’s mention of the husband-wife relationship fits within his focus on unity throughout the whole book of Ephesians. The entire Godhead worked together to bring salvation to humanity! Jews and Gentiles are now one. Slaves and masters are now the same. Every person in Christ works together as the body with many parts (none more important than the others) to reach the full unity of the faith and the knowledge of Jesus Christ to make us mature.  Again, a redemptive relationship is about unity.

It was important for the early church to understand how their conduct was to reflect this redeeming importance of Christ. Not only did Christ provide a redemptive way to have a relationship with God, but every relationship from home, work, and government was to reflect this redemption. (This “household code” may have also been a cultural practice among Jews and philosophers of that time, such as Plato, Aristotle, and Philo. Their views of men-woman, husband-wife, child-parent, and slave-master can be seen in their codes of conduct.) Man and woman were not to follow the suite of the Fallen Adam and Eve, constantly battling against each other. That’s how they were used to living before Christ. Paul’s “household code” was meant to both bring man and woman to equal grounds and to create respective order. Disorder and fighting would lead to a distaste of Christianity and the church for outsiders, just as much as a degrading of women has.

Now, whether we like this or not, we must accept that no matter how we play the equality card or the cultural card, the husband plays an important role of the “head” of household. It’s not the same as a child-parent, nor is it like a slave-master relationship. It’s like Jesus and the church. My point in this is to describe what it should look like and to talk about how it’s not about pushing woman down. Far from it. How husbands carry that role should reflect the sacrificial, humbling, ever-caring, enormous-loving, constant teaching, nurturing, comforting, gentle, protective spirit that Christ showed the church. I tend to think that if a husband reflects Jesus, submission is both modeled and easier to subject oneself to. We’ll see more of this as we look at the book of Hosea.

The real battle as we have begun to see has always been between good and evil. And no, your spouse is not the evil one. God was battling for the desires and worship of His creation since the beginning of time. The good and evil battle is still between God and our own wants/worship (James 4:1-8). God is the main character and the main hero of this story. God’s people have always wandered away or sought out to do things their way. Ultimately, it’s about keeping the power with God (as though we could actually take it away from him!). It’s recognizing Him as King of Kings, rather setting ourselves up as mini-kings of our “domain.” Despite our slang language, men are not kings and woman are not queens. It’s why Paul the apostle tells us in Ephesians that our real battle is not between another human being:

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.
Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Eph 6:10-12 NIV)

The battle for your own heart and mind is not with your spouse, but with the devil himself. What we need to ask is where in the sand do we drawn the battle line in our marriage? For example, my sons are competitive (they get it from their mother). Whether they are playing a game on the Wii or hiking on a mountain or eating dinner, they are trying to beat their brother. I constantly seem to be saying “stop fighting, your brother is not the enemy, this is not a race, work together to beat the game…” Yet that same advice is harder to put into practice in my own marriage.

Hurting marriages are drawing the battle line between one another, even using the kids to form their team against the other side. Marriages aren’t aware that they are leaving no battle lines between them and Satan. Satan is free to attack both sides. And since God is not at the center of their thinking and desiring, there is a battle line between each spouse and God. Fighting among each other actually creates a bigger war then we imagined. The only one free to fight all sides is Satan. Rather than figuring out who is going to wave the white flag of surrender, who is right and who is wrong, both sides must see how the battle has fallen exactly where Satan wants it: back to the natural, sinful pattern of Genesis 3:16.

Before the Fall, I believe the husband and wife understood where the line was drawn. In Genesis 2:18, it says:

The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (NIV)

The battle line was never between the two. It was not good this way. It was good for man to have someone else with him. The word “helper” has often created a biblical reasoning for hierarchy in marriage. However, this is to be understood as an assistant working together against or for something. It is used many times in the Old Testament to describe someone (mostly God Himself) who aided in military assistance over a common enemy (1 Chronicles 12:18, 2 Chronicles 25:8). Being a helper is not a wife who does the tasks that her husband doesn’t want so he can focus his efforts on “bigger” things.  It’s a picture of a spouse who lacks in the ability to complete the task, even to be a complete person. It’s a picture of drawing the battle line around each other and working jointly together. Without a helper, it’s just not good to do it alone. Two are better than one. Draw the battle lines wisely.

In the previous post, I talked about how the original sin of man and woman puts marriages automatically on shaky ground. For many marriages, this is the only place they live. The only “solution” for them (if they decide to stay together) is to manage the tension by developing a give-and-take relationship. “I’ll give you power over this and I’ll take power over that.” “If you give me this, then I’ll give you that.” Remember, this is about control and getting what you want. This strategy of peaceful domination is still a reflection of sinful humanity. This type of relationship actually sounds more like a peace treaty than a loving-trusting-building relationship.

I know you’re waiting for some juicy details or some practical how-to’s, and those will come, but rather than knowing how to apply some band-aids or how to cope through your marriage, let us get to the heart of the matter and deal with things in their basic form first. This lays the important foundation for why you should be married in the first place.

So when we talk about what a marriage is suppose to reflect, what do we have as a goal? I believe the standard is shown in God and His chosen people. It is shown in Jesus and the church. Not only in the New Testament, but the Old Testament has much to say about a healthy and redemptive relationship that is worth calling a marriage.

Before we get further into this, we need to note that a comparison between a husband-and-wife with God-and-His-chosen-people does not mean we completely identify the husband to God and the wife to His chosen people (though we will discuss this connection in Hosea), nor do we completely identify the husband to Jesus and the wife to the church (though we will discuss this connection in Ephesians 5).

It’s too easy for some Christians to jump immediately to this connection and play the Bible card in order to set “godly” structure to this power struggle. This mentality places the husband in his “rightful” higher position and often then gives the woman a reason to believe the church sees wives as doormats or service employees. Women evidently lash back because we haven’t changed out of the power struggle described in God’s judgment of sin. When the husband tries to rule over her, she will try to rule over him. And when she tries to rule over him, he will try to rule over her. Calling it biblical or godly, doesn’t necessarily make it righteous or redemptive.

To me, the redemptive power of God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit is not a better way to move the pieces around, but has always been about a change in the pieces altogether. When God through the blood of Jesus Christ redeemed the relationship between humanity and God, it brought about a new creation for those who believed and trusted in Jesus as the Savior of their sins and the Lord of their life (2 Corinthians 5:17, Romans 6:4, Galatians 6:15, John 3:1-3). When God talks about redeeming the relationship between humanity and creation, it is brought about in a new heaven and a new earth at the end of the age found in such passages as Revelation 21, 2 Peter 3:7-13, and Romans 8:19-23.

It’s then no surprise why Christian marriages don’t often look much better than non-Christian marriages. At any point of conflict, husbands and wives have the choice to live out their marriage relationship in reflection of the natural and sinful power struggle or to live out their marriage relationship as a reflection of a person changed by the saving power of God. All power struggles are solved when we realize that the power is really God’s. His power was used to completely change the game and win back the power struggle. He redeemed the relationship not only between husband and wife, but between God and His chosen people and between the good and evil that battles within each one of us individually.

If we hope to win in this power struggle in marriage, we need to make sure we understand where the real battle exists and what the goal of winning reflects.

The first few chapters of Genesis lays important ground work in understanding God, humanity, creation, and the relationships between the parties involved. The judgment that entered into the world, because of Adam and Eve’s choices, changed everything. When it comes to marriage, it’s easy to see why there can be such hostility between a man and a woman. Not only does the man’s work seem harder and harder to produce results and not only does the woman experience pain during childbirth, but there is a battle that is going to happen between the two in marriage. Genesis 3:16 says

To the woman he [God] said, “I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” (Gen 3:16 NIV)

The Hebrew word “desire” simple means “longing, desire, urge.”  The word seems to carry the idea of desiring it’s object to the point of control in order to have one’s way with the object. It is only used two other times in the Old Testament. It is used in Genesis 4:7 to describe Cain’s sin as crouching at his door, longing to get him. The solution is for Cain is to master his sin (before it masters him). It is also used in Song of Solomon 7:10 to describe a man’s longing to be with his woman in a romantic and sexual way. The solution for them is to go spend the night at the countryside and in the morning she will give him her love at the vineyards! Desire in these contexts is not just a temptation, but a strong urge and longing to do what it takes to get what one wants.

If Genesis 3:16 is talking about the woman’s desire for her husband in a sexual way (which some seem to suggest and I’m sure the men were hoping for), then it doesn’t make sense to compare how the husband will then rule over her instead. This isn’t a matter of sexual position… It’s a matter of being the boss. Instead, I like how the New English Translation writes this verse:

To the woman he said, “I will greatly increase your labor pains; with pain you will give birth to children. You will want to control your husband, but he will dominate you.” (Gen 3:16 NET)

In this instance, the comparison between the wife wanting to have something greatly, yet the husband ruling over her, describes utter control in the home. The one who wears the pants in the family so to speak. The master of the house. It’s less about mutual understanding and structure than it is about calling the shots.

It is easy to see this practically played out in any marriage. Maybe a husband will put effort into his work, get discouraged by the lack of results, and then come home to his wife who tells him how it needs to be done. This in turn gets the man all fired up, having his pride stepped on by his “controlling” wife, and he responds negatively and perhaps harshly. Just about any scenario when a man feels that his wife is being controlling (even if she is just sharing her thoughts and concerns in a non-ruling manner – it’s just how he’s perceiving it), the husband will want to put the “queen” in her place. On the flip side, when a wife feels she is being stepped on, disrespected, used, overlooked, or belittled she will lash back and demand that she be treated equally or better. It leaves both sides constantly on the defensive, battling for what piece of property they feel they are losing control over.

If anything similar to this has ever happened in your marriage, welcome to being human. This kind of trouble will be automatic. It’s as though your marriage is designed for trouble from the day you say “I do.” Though this didn’t seem to be the way it was before Adam and Eve sinned against God’s commands. There wasn’t a sense of hierarchy and control. It was more like a dualism. It was full of freedom and openness. The good thing is that God has always been about restoring these damaged relationships since that Fall in Genesis 3. Left unchecked, un-confessed, and un-Christ at the center, it will leave two people done with a relationship that is meant to reflect the loving-kindness-covenant-faithfulness of God and His chosen people. And that’s what I’d like to talk more about throughout this week.

I attended a funeral of a teenager last night.  I’ve had to do that a few times in my life and it’s never easy. But one thing I have noticed is that during funerals like this, people are brought to the reality of life and death and God more than funerals of people who have lived a long life.  Death for the latter is more of a welcomed relief from pain and suffering brought about by the end of life complications.

In either case, not to be cliche, it can show direct evidence that God can take something bad and turn it into something good.  People are brought to think about their own life. No matter the cause of death, we are faced to think whether there are things in our lives that must change. Solomon in Ecclesiastes 7:2 says:

It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of everyone; the living should take this to heart.

I don’t think Solomon really wants us to develop a morbid outlook on life on earth as a way for spiritual growth. But I do think Solomon hits the nail on the head and points to the sad reality that we are often moved to take a step towards God (or away from God) when we are faced with life and death circumstances.  It creates an urgency in us that honestly isn’t there during our busy week of work, school, bills, friends and watching Monday Night Football.  Urgency is the intellectual awareness of something that must change and the awareness that there is little time left to make that change happen. Urgency causes us to make a move now.

American Christians are often too spoiled by having a church on every street corner where they can just find “help” and “hope” when needed.  American Christians are also often too busy to think about something that must change.  Lack of empathy, becoming compassion calloused, and safe-guarding our minds against seeing the lost and hurting can lead to ineffectiveness, lack of purpose, selfishness, and static spiritual growth.  This is perhaps why one pastor believes there are actually very few disciples of Jesus Christ in the world. I’m not about to get down on American Christianity because there are too many amazingly Godly things happening.  Yet, I do worry about American Christianity becoming a reactionary culture or a culture that sees most things as good and prosperous. These ways of living and thinking only covers over an urgent need for a better relationship with God for themselves and for people around them.

We don’t have to wait for death to be urgent. We don’t have to wait for death to change. We just need to be urgent about change before we become closer to spiritual death than we might wish.