Category Archives: Family

Death and Urgency and Change

I attended a funeral of a teenager last night.  I’ve had to do that a few times in my life and it’s never easy. But one thing I have noticed is that during funerals like this, people are brought to the reality of life and death and God more than funerals of people who have lived a long life.  Death for the latter is more of a welcomed relief from pain and suffering brought about by the end of life complications.

In either case, not to be cliche, it can show direct evidence that God can take something bad and turn it into something good.  People are brought to think about their own life. No matter the cause of death, we are faced to think whether there are things in our lives that must change. Solomon in Ecclesiastes 7:2 says:

It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of everyone; the living should take this to heart.

I don’t think Solomon really wants us to develop a morbid outlook on life on earth as a way for spiritual growth. But I do think Solomon hits the nail on the head and points to the sad reality that we are often moved to take a step towards God (or away from God) when we are faced with life and death circumstances.  It creates an urgency in us that honestly isn’t there during our busy week of work, school, bills, friends and watching Monday Night Football.  Urgency is the intellectual awareness of something that must change and the awareness that there is little time left to make that change happen. Urgency causes us to make a move now.

American Christians are often too spoiled by having a church on every street corner where they can just find “help” and “hope” when needed.  American Christians are also often too busy to think about something that must change.  Lack of empathy, becoming compassion calloused, and safe-guarding our minds against seeing the lost and hurting can lead to ineffectiveness, lack of purpose, selfishness, and static spiritual growth.  This is perhaps why one pastor believes there are actually very few disciples of Jesus Christ in the world. I’m not about to get down on American Christianity because there are too many amazingly Godly things happening.  Yet, I do worry about American Christianity becoming a reactionary culture or a culture that sees most things as good and prosperous. These ways of living and thinking only covers over an urgent need for a better relationship with God for themselves and for people around them.

We don’t have to wait for death to be urgent. We don’t have to wait for death to change. We just need to be urgent about change before we become closer to spiritual death than we might wish.

Your Career and Your Marriage

I saw on the Today show this morning a story about married couples choosing to live apart from one another for the sake of having a good paying job.  The idea is that one spouse moved to where they could find a job, while the other spouse stayed to take care of the home or remain in the job they still have.  The sole reason of separation is to “survive the recession.”

This issue certainly is not a new one.  Husbands left their families from foreign countries to come to America for a better way of life, paving the way for the rest of the family to join him. This still happens to this day. During the 1800′s, husbands left their families from the East Coast to seek opportunity in the new expanding West Coast and California Gold Rush.  Families make sacrifices from one another for the sake of the future of the family.  There are perhaps thousands of success stories for this kind of adventure.  And there are perhaps just as many for which the family never reunites.

Having financial strains can put a lot of tension on marriages, whether it’s the rich or the poor.  That is for certain.  There are a couple key things to think through when you consider what to do for your marriage during a recession, job loss, or being overworked.

1) Are you more concerned about a lifestyle than your marriage relationship?

Many couples fight over money because they desire to attain a certain level of lifestyle.  They are concerned with having a certain kind of house or car or neighborhood status or being involved in certain activities or being able to provide for whatever they want to “live comfortably.”  The marriage vow of “for better or for worse, for rich or for poor” was a blind and naive statement made in fairy-tale Love Land. In this case, the marriage is a joint means or business partnership to accomplish the goal of prosperity.  If one of the partners can’t contribute, there is the feeling of insignificance or little value.  In the business world, separation for the sake of money is inevitable.  You must ask yourself and each other whether there’s more to being happy in marriage than money.

2) Can your marriage really survive during separation?

Each couple is different. Separation from one another happens all the time, but it’s usually for an 8 to 9 hour interval or for a couple of days, depending on the kind of work one has.  Some couples separate in order to ignite the flame of passion for one another. Some couples separate after marriage issues in order to gain fresh perspective on how they can make their marriage work. Eventually though, everyone understands that there is no substitute for presence and communication and even sex in a marriage.  When these decrease in a marriage due to work, kids, activities, and the desire to reach question 1, they increase outside the marriage.  Make no mistake, while you aren’t communicating with your spouse, your communicating with another person.  Being separated from your spouse can be a very dangerous place to find yourself if you’re not truly prepared. And I would highly encourage newly wed couples to be together a lot.

I like what Paul said to the church at Corinth concerning marriage in 1 Corinthians 7:

2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Sometimes, immorality happens simply because the couple is not together enough. Paul seems to say that the only reason the couple should PERHAPS separate is for personal spiritual communication with God.  And even before that separation happens, there needs to be a joint agreement on how long they are able to make that separation. Don’t be a fool and think that you have more self-control than you really have.  Satan knows what you can take and is ready to tempt you when you reach that point.

Separation might be necessary, but together is better. Together provides the opportunity to fulfill marital duties, and men…that’s more than just getting sex…but it does include that. Make separation a last resort. Agree on that time frame. And schedule times to reunite for real physical presence, communication and sexual relations.

Review: Enemies of the Heart by Andy Stanley

You don’t have to be in the church realm long before you hear about Andy Stanley.  He is a pastor, communicator, author and the founder of North Point Ministries.  North Point Ministries consists of 5 campuses in the Atlanta region, with an attendance of more than 25,000, and has helped plant more than thirty strategic partner churches globally.  He has also written Communicating for a Change, The Next Generation Leader, Visioneering, How Good Is Good Enough, iMarrage, and Choosing to Cheat.

Enemies of the Heart was previously released as It Came From Within.  I personally did not read the previous release, so I am not sure if they differ.  I assume this latest edition includes more years of experience and wisdom.  There’s no doubt that this book stems from the years of experience as a pastor and from counseling hundreds of people. As usual, Andy teaches in a way that does not go over one’s head and makes it sound like common sense.  He uses plenty of examples and illustrations and explanations throughout so that anyone can follow his thought and reasoning.

Enemies of the Heart was almost titled as What Happy People Do To Stay That Way. I like that because at the core of our actions, attitudes, emotions, responses, and thoughts stem our desire to be happy.  Other ways I’ve heard this described is looking at our “idols of the heart.”  We ask ourselves, “What are the things we “worship” because they seemingly bring us happiness or satisfaction?” These longings in our hearts produce our behaviors and emotions and reactions.  These heart issues break relationships and can even destroy our home. At the end of the book, he connects how our kids are learning much more from us as parents than we probably want them to, especially from these enemies of the heart.

‎”…heart issues impact an individual’s ability to initiate and maintain intimate relationships.”

Andy divides all heart issues into 4 main categories: guilt, anger, greed and jealousy. The easy way to remember these is to look at them as someone owing someone something. Guilt is saying “I owe you,” Anger is saying “you owe me,” Greed is saying “I owe myself,” and Jealousy is saying “God owes me.”  Andy really takes the time to explain how these 4 enemies of the heart really do represent our struggles and unhappiness in life. Not only does he shed light on our heart issues, he provides solid biblical direction and offers practical advice to begin breaking these seemingly mysterious life patterns.

I particularly liked in the end how Andy briefly talked about lust.  Many would say that Lust should be on the list because we often get ourselves in trouble when we allow Lust to take control.  But the problem is that Lust is also a good thing when it’s for the good things.  Lust is less about a problem to solve and more about a tension to manage. I like how he explains that Lust can really be traced back to something that first caused guilt, anger, greed or jealousy; and therefore, lust is a reaction or response (a branch) from that enemy residing in the heart (root).

“…lust isn’t a problem to be avoided; it’s an appetite to be managed…lust is actually a good thing within the right relationship. Truth be known, if it wasn’t for lust, you wouldn’t be here.”

Andy does a great job showing the enemies of the heart as well as the biblical solution to these issues.  As having studied counseling and biblical counseling, I find Andy’s assessment, insight and solution to be extremely essential for every counselor, and every Christian for that matter, to read and apply. It will be one that I personally refer to often and will make sure those close to me read it as well. Stop dealing with the symptoms and get to the Enemies of the Heart. A happy, satisfied and fulfilled life awaits.

I received this book free from Multnomah Publishers for this review. However, this review is made up of my own thoughts and opinions.