Separation in Marriage Without Leaving

One the main problems against separation in marriage is the complete abandonment each side will feel. Separation and divorce carry huge stigmas and stereotyping. This makes it even harder if there are kids involved.  The dynamic of leaving the house is elevated. Just as divorce is hard to explain to kids, separation is very similar.  Those who separate don’t necessarily do so to cause turmoil for the other spouse or to even “teach them a lesson.” Separation is primarily a last ditch effort to escape a bad situation. The couple that separates hopes, somehow, that this will give them a fresh perspective or at least give time and space for the problem to cool down.

Dan shared some great thoughts about what this time of separation is for and what it is not for. I believe every couple should develop healthy times of separation. Let me describe what I’m talking about.

I’ve always enjoyed the principle that a New Place + New Pace = New Perspective. Jesus frequently withdrew from the crowds to spend time with His disciples. Jesus frequently withdrew from His disciples to spend time with His closest followers. Jesus frequently withdrew from everyone to spend time alone with God the Father. 

Paul in 1 Corinthians 7 describes how married couples are to be united and fulfill their “marital duties” on a regular basis except for selected times of separation for prayer.

Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1Co 7:5 NIV)

Notice how Paul says “by mutual consent and for a time.” Leaving the house during a fight is not this (I would suggest that it’s okay to leave a room to gain self-control, but not to get into a habit of leaving the house during a fight). A healthy separation involves a conversation which comes to agreeable terms for a selected time, a selected purpose, and for reuniting. A healthy separation is not a time to see if the couple loves each other and should come back together. A healthy separation has concern for each other to reunite after the selected time, no matter what. Unity and a focus on God, His Word, and His Work is the utmost importance. Christian marriages especially should be a reflection of that relationship with God. But all of that gets blurred over because we become so busy with “life.” I would encourage you to read what Paul says in the rest of the chapter.

I wonder what would happen if we would really put this principle into practice more. I would have to believe it could protect us from feeling that our only option is to leave the house without a plan, without a purpose, and without a care. Having no plan is a plan for Satan to step in and make his own. His plan is to tempt you to destroy your marriage and your relationship with God. Don’t be stupid to think it’s not true. Reacting to a situation or spending too much time away from your spouse can be dangerous.

Don’t misunderstand me. The separation I’m talking about is preventative maintenance and not repairing something completely broken (that’s how we normally equate “separation”). Create time for nights out and weekend retreats. Make some of those to be with each other. Make some of those times to be alone. Make some of those times to hash out life with trusted friends of the same sex. Make some of those times to be for personal reflection and prayer. Make some of those times for building the marriage relationship. Make some of those times for having fun. And make the focus about getting back together, ready for life, rather than a time to simply withdrawal or “get away” from the problem.

A Story of Reconciliation from Separation: Dan’s Story

Yesterday Dan shared a brief description of where he was at in his marriage during their separation. During this time, it became evident that reconciliation was desired even though the divorce was filed. What changed their minds? Was it merely by chance or a miracle of God? Well, God was definitely at work here and there are some things that Dan learned along with some warnings and advice for any couple considering a time of separation.

“So we didn’t follow through on the divorce, and after a month of being apart, we kind of knew that we wanted to reconcile. I can’t say that I would advocate couples who are going through a hard time to separate. It seems to have helped us in a few different ways.  Again, I’m not proud at all of my separation. But I can say that I have learned a lot about myself through this:

“1. I learned that there is not another woman in the world that I want to spend my life with other than my wife. That was an eye opening experience for me. I thought that we were too incongruous to have a good marriage, but when it all boiled down to it, I discovered that loving someone means staying with them even when you disagree with them.

“2. I learned how to make distance when the sparks fly. You know that passage about not letting the sun set on your anger? I was the one who, when tension rose, would demand peace before going to bed. (How do you demand peace?) So I would get more and more frustrated when things couldn’t be settled (and sometimes “things settled” meant “get my own way”). We still have disagreements on the phone, but I have learned that often, peace comes by allowing yourself and your spouse to be alone, to remove yourself from the tension, and relax before you impulsively use your tongue to inflict more conflict.

“3. I have a lot more friends now than I did. Back home now [Dan moved completely to another state during this separation], I have some friendships, and I do open up a little bit about what’s going on in my life with a few people. It is good to have the lines of communication open with other guys who can give you some perspective when you are feeling down or angry or frustrated.

“4. I learned God’s nature… weird as it sounds, from all the badness came forth this renewed fervor.  God, for some odd reason, still blessed me. He blessed me with a great job, great new friends, and a bigger picture of who He is. I didn’t deserve any of that, but that’s grace.  A progression based on unlearning. I was extremely black and white in the way I became. Everything is either all good or all bad. Nothing was ever all good, and when things were all bad, I would let loose on myself. I got to the point where I was ready to walk away from the faith, because I knew I couldn’t ‘do it’ right. I made it way too legalistic, and when you’re under all that tension and anxiety, it is easy to lash out.”

What are some warnings or advice for couples considering separation?

“If a couple is leaning towards separation, I would say consider a few things:

“1. Separation isn’t a trial period for dating other people. I both loved and hated my alone time. I loved it because it gave me a chance to breath, to ponder, to explore my heart and my mind again, to remember the things that are wildly important to me that I may have been overlooking. I learned to read a LOT, and relish it deeply. I had amazing conversations with myself. I hated my alone sometimes because I was lonely. But you have to feel loneliness in order to give perspective to the situation. If you fill your time thinking that you could date others, you will miss the awesome chance for delving deep into your emotions. Not only that, the grass is not greener on the other side. You miss the chance to grow and change, instead covering up your past failures and running headlong into potential new failures. Changing mates won’t make you happy.

“2. If you are fighting about finances, separation will only make your finances worse. Don’t separate over money thinking that you will be financially better off for it.

“3. Find people with whom you can talk. You should do this long before your marriage gets bad anyway. If you don’t have people in your life you can be honest with, without fear of judgement (let’s face it, if you think someone is going to judge you for what you say, you won’t say what is really on your mind). So much of the frustration I was holding in could have probably been vented if I had allowed myself to grow close to people… or continued looking for people that I felt I could grow close to.

“4. Spend one day where you battle yourself anytime you think the problems in your life are caused by your spouse. It is FAR to easy to be discontent with your own life, and blame it on someone else. Simply by proximity, you will always blame your spouse. That is exactly where I was. Discontent with my life, and blaming it on my spouse. If makes nothing better, only worse.”

I think Dan’s advice goes a long way. There are things that marriages should put into place before this type of separation comes into play. And we have to be honest with ourselves about what’s really going on in our minds. I have to be willing to accept that the common denominator in my problems might be me. Times of separation help flush those out. I think there are times of “separation” that should happen and can happen in a marriage without ever moving out. That’s what really is helpful and what I want to address next time.

The Goal of Separation: One Man’s Story

I wanted to start today off in this discussion about separation in marriage with a testimony by a guy that we will name Dan. I want to let him briefly describe his marriage to give us an inside look into what couples, who are considering separation, might be experiencing. Separation in marriage is a serious time in a couple’s journey. I assume that most couples don’t take marriage, divorce, or separation lightly. Here is one man’s story of their goal for separating.

“So, basically my situation is kind of unique in that when I moved out, we had filed for divorce. When I left I was an incredibly angry guy. I mean it didn’t take long to figure out that I was wrong (I knew I was wrong in leaving, but I was such a bear at the time, my wife said she was relieved).

“A part of me wants to give the easy ‘Christian’ answers, because I don’t really want people to know how sucky I was when I left. I mean, for years, my wife and I battled over just about every aspect of our lives. When to have kids, how many kids to have, how to have those kids, where to live, who will work, who won’t work… we were simply never on the same page. Ever. So, I guess the goal for me of separating wasn’t so much to seek reconciliation as much as it was to just get away from a toxic situation. When you’ve had all the arguments you can have, and it just sounds like you’re repeating the same things over and over, it can put you in a rut. I don’t think I realized it at the time just how much of a rut I was in.

“So my intentions in leaving were not noble in any way. They were absolutely selfish. I felt as though I had lost complete control of everything that was going on in my life, and despite the fact that I knew better, I left. I willfully disobeyed God and left. To be honest, at the time, I didn’t really even want to be a Christian anymore. I felt like it wasn’t the life for me. It was too demanding. I was following a set of rules and expectations.

“But regardless of the ugliness of the separation, I can say that I have learned a great deal. Like I mentioned before, I have a lot of accountability now. I had “accountability” before, but I felt like advice I had gotten was canned, the “right Christian answer”… which is important, but can be discouraging at times. Those answers can sometimes leave you feeling like you just have to work harder at it. And then, 3 days later, when you failed again, and people ask how things are going, you don’t want to let them down, so you put on the fake smile and tell some anecdote about how the advice they gave you 3 days before really ‘blessed’ you. The truth is, everyone struggles in marriage. Everyone fights about stupid things, and there isn’t much of anything new under the sun. So don’t be afraid to ask for help when yours is troubled, and don’t be afraid to be honest about it.”

I think Dan’s marriage is like many Christian marriages that struggle. In the sense that Christian marriages often try extra hard to hide behind the goal of looking like a two people loving each other, every minute of the day. Living within this smoke screen eventually chokes us out. Feeling trapped, alone, lost for answers, and unhappy naturally lends itself towards ending the marriage. Some divorce and some separate (whether leaving the house or simply becoming ‘roommates’). The goal of separation is often simply to get away from the situation. To suggest that the goal is reconciliation or restoring joy in the marriage is perhaps a thought lost long ago. I hope this helps describe where a couple may be at in their marriage and better equip you if you are those who want to help them.

Although leaving the house and separating doesn’t always lead towards reconciliation, Dan’s marriage did exactly that. There is hope and healing. I believe there are some things we can think about and have in place during this time of “separation” that will better prepare each other to see reconciliation as an option. We’ll hear more of Dan’s story tomorrow.