I have to admit that I can take a lot of things personally. I’m often my biggest critic. I often take my work perhaps too seriously. And I’ve been known to be too concerned about what other people think. The biggest thing I’ve been focusing on more than ever over the past couple of years is keeping my pride in check. I’m trying to make sure that what I do is not about me. I’m trying to make sure that how I respond shows that it’s not about me. And likewise, when people respond to me, I’m trying to make sure I tell myself that it’s not about me. When I keep this in view, it helps me to understand what’s really going on underneath both in my heart and theirs.
Often times when people lash out, there is something else going on underneath. The thing that is going on in our heart and mind is something that we aren’t quite ready to talk about. It’s something that makes us vulnerable or weak or helpless. It’s something that scares us. It’s something that scares us about ourselves or the feeling of non-control of the situation. It’s something that we may not really know what to do with. It’s something personal and close to their heart. Sharing it might lead to a trail of things we aren’t ready or willing to walk through. And who likes to talk about those things anyways? Aren’t we just suppose to “grin and bear it”?
I keep going back to this latest book I read by Andy Stanley, “Enemies of the Heart.” There really is something else going on inside of us that drives our actions and attitudes. What is it that we really want when we get upset? What is it that we really fear when we get angry? What is it that we really cannot let go of? What are we trying to cover up or deflect when we want to complain? What is the real worry that we don’t think God will take care of for us?
Sometimes, by-standers receive the brunt of these responses. But, I believe the ones that often receive the punches are those whom you want to talk to the most about your heart. We want to test the waters to see if they care enough for us to reveal our worries, doubts, weaknesses and desires. Also, the ones that receive the kick and push back can often be those whom you love because you want to make sure they don’t get hurt through your seemingly hidden “failures” and “struggles.”
The hardest thing for a pastor or a leader or a fellow friend to understand sometimes is that there is often “more than meets the eye” for everyone, including the one who listens or takes the punch. So what do we do? Well, don’t take things the wrong way. But do take them personally in the sense that they care about something deeply enough to want to take to you. Don’t get defensive. Don’t deflect. Don’t dismiss. Embrace the punch. Let them know that you care enough to take another punch if necessary. And if you’re doing the punching, understand and accept that there maybe something going on more than you know is going on.
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I seriously punched my pastor today after church. I am a small woman so I don't even know if it hurt him. I'm sad that our formerly close relationship had to end that way, but I hate him. It's funny how you can abhor someone that you used to love so much.
Sorry to hear all this. I'm sure you hurt him in many ways, if not physically. I'm sad to hear that the relationship is like this. Certainly the relationship you felt was close. Although I don't know the situation, I would make sure you respond biblically even if they don't. "the world will know you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." share with us how it goes.
I honestly don't think this will ever be resolved. He was like a dad to me. He was the one that lead me to Jesus. We had a really close relationship for 4 years. Then when I was struggling, instead of being there for me, he told me I was a wasted time investment and couldn't help me anymore. We did not speak for months. Today his wife told me that they still loved me, wanted to be a part of my life, but not to the extent as before because it was exhausting for them and I was getting in the way of their family life. Her words stung and I was hurt. When I confronted the pastor about it I just was so angry. I punched him without thinking.
wow, thanks for sharing Ronni. I've been on both sides of being hurt and hurting someone in a relationship before. Both times, I've felt hurt like no other. Guilt hurts just like anger. I'm not excusing your pastor or anyone else involved because I don't know the situation, but I do know that this has the potential to stand in your way of growing in Christ. Don't let it. Seek Christ. Do right on your end. Relationships are messy, but God deeply cares about our relationship with others as much as he does about our relationship with Him.
I don't want this to get in the way of my relationship with Christ. Thanks for being here Steve. I guess I just needed to be reassured of Christ's love for me. Tonight you did just that.
I know that i am a very distant person and like to do my own thing in my way. However I am not unfeeling. I get so angry and frustrated when people see me a s cold and empty. I also know myself well enough to know that I dont help that image when I react in a negative way. Why am I this way? Not sure I have the full answer but I do know its fear of letting people get so close they could hurt me . And I struggle with changing that.. I usually verbalize when i feel people are in my space and not in the friendlest of ways. I have had an awesome pastor that i was very close to who i shared many things with. On a few occassions i was taken back by his response and got very angry. What i failed to realize was that he was in the middle of some heavy stuff and was not fully focused on what i had been saying so his councel was off. It is those we open up to the most that hurt us the most .
I view being open as a weakness. I realize thats twisty but its how i feel do to experiences. How do i change that? not sure at all? How am i working on it?? I do karate where people are in my personal space all the time….it is helping me grow and deal with it. Will doing it change me?? I hope so but it is a long rough road i travel alone with no support because i dont usually share my struggle with it.
Thanks for sharing tina. I would say that it seems to be a very common tendency to push back and run when we get hurt. I mean, who wants to get hurt on purpose, right? not that we should keep putting ourselves in those kind of situations to get hurt, but we also realize that the world we currently live in is a sinful place filled with sinful people who sin against us and we as well sin against them. Any time there is hurt, it should be an automatic recall to our memory that heaven is not yet here.
It's good that you noticed that the pastor himself was going through heavy stuff. as a pastor, I can tell you that it can sometimes be the loneliest place as it seems that everyone around only cares about their issues. Of course, we pastors know that it's part of the job and it's one of the reasons we felt called into the ministry, to help others.
I would say that its not truly the fear of getting hurt but that people wont like me if I was truly myself with them. They see a person who is loud and outgoing somewhat and who is hyper and kinda airheaded. When the reality is that I love the quiet….I love to be calm and sit back and just listen. My nervousnesswhen i meet people causes me to be the other way and then thats how people see you and i find i cant change that ….but thats not who i truly am…..i am more conservative and quiet then i ever am seen. My biggest hurts come from this because no one ever looks past this to truly see me….yes partly my fault but if they truly cared wouldnt they?? Not a single person in my life has ever seen past the shell….kinda given up hope anyone ever will and that makes me sad….there really is more to me than everyone thinks. This is my greatest insecurity…being me
sounds a lot like me and several people I know, including my wife. I'm very calm and love to be introverted and read a book. I do love relationships, but I just don't have a bunch that I fill my time with. I do know lots of extroverted people who know a lot of people but would admit that they only have a few meaningful relationships. both are the same and it's okay to be yourself. we best function for God in our comfort zone. we should always stretch ourselves to work and flex our comfort zone so it doesn't become stiff and ineffective. Plus, most people can pick out fake people and that sometimes is more of a turn off. I would encourage you to read "Enemies of the Heart" by Andy Stanley and Beth Moore has something called "So Long Insecurity"